My little 'nest'

On the night of 15 September 2014, Mama Tok went to Kuala Lumpur  International Airport (KLIA) to send our first son off to Jordon to continue his studies.This will be his second year at Al Bayt University in Mafraq, Jordon. For a 19 years old teenager, going overseas has always been something exciting and adventurous.
New experiences and new horizons. 

That was the same feeling Mama Tok felt when given the opportunity to further studies in UK in 1979. Being the youngest in the family, and the first in the family to go abroad, it was something to be proud of. As an excited teenager, what was more important to Mama Tok at that time was to have a bit of freedom from a protective parents and experience new things in life. Mama Tok has always love autumn and to capture it for the first time in a small town of Northampton, was just sheer magical. It was just too good to be true...

But the truth was, Mama Tok did not feel the emptiness that my mum felt when Mama Tok left home for UK. In late 70th and early 80th the only communication available was by writing letters. It took nearly a week for a letter to arrive. We seldom call each other because it was just too expensive. 

Imaging...no WhatsApp, no Facebook and no Skypes....just letters. But somehow we survived because that was the only choice we had. 

(still remember another sentimental song..'.imaging'.. by John Lennon in the 80th? ).

So just imaging, it took Mama Tok more than 30 years to understand the feeling of emptiness when our eldest daughter got married in 2010. She moved to her new 'nest' nearby after two weeks of marriage.
3 years later she decided to move to Kuala Lumpur after giving birth to her second baby. It was 10th of June 2013 when she  left us to build her new 'nest' with her husband and two young kids.

It took Mama Took more than 30 years to understand the feeling of emptiness when our second daughter left us again early this year.She decided to leave her 'nest' for her first job in Kuala Lumpur.

It also took Mama Tok more than 30 years to understand the feeling of emptiness when our third daughter decided to continue her studies away from home at the local university again in Kuala Lumpur.

But somehow she sent me this to ease my 'empty feelings'...a picture of our family at the little corner of our little 'nest' with a sweet quotation..

'Where we love is home...home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.

( Oliver W.H )




And now, our forth child and the eldest boy in the family is leaving for Jordon for the next few years to search his future in life.

Mama Tok still remembered the feeling after we reached home from KL the next morning. 
It was nearly 3 o'clock in the morning. It was just me, my husband and our twin boys.The house seemed empty and quiet. No movement no nothing. Although the twins give us joy, our heart is almost half empty. As empty as our little 'nest'....

Mama Tok remembered messaging these words to my children at that early hours with tears in my eyes.....

"Good 'night' anak-anak Mama semua di mana saja berada. Suddenly Mama feel that there will come a time when everybody will leave the 'nest'. And there will come a time when Ayah or Mama will be all by ourselves. And then we will one by one 'meet' Allah swt. So if that time comes, please don't forget to make prayers and doakan kesejahteraan kami at least tiap-tiap selepas solat. Semuga Allah ampunkan dosa-dosa kami dan semuga alam barzakh kami menjadi salah satu daripada taman-taman syurga. 

 Aamiin Ya Allah..."

That morning Mama Tok felt asleep feeling 'empty' except only hoping for Allah swt's blessing.

Mama Tok Quiet Moments 'Soup for the soul'

Its funny how day by day, nothing changes. But when you look back, everything is different. 

So is Mama Tok little 'nest'....

Lesson Two : The pain in the neck

On 20th November 2013, Mama Tok was suspected of having a 'mini stroke'. That was what the doctor said after 'hearing' the symptoms told  by Mama Tok. Having no such experience before, the pain in the neck plus the numbness of the left side of neck, face and upper limbs would throw anybody into a lot of fear. Although there was no lost of sensation nor weakness of the limbs, Mama Tok had to digest any emotion of fear so as to give inner strength to oneself. The struggling part was to motivate in pursuing any of the things that made Mama Tok happy before. But somehow Mama Tok broke down when the numbness keep coming and seeing the tiredness  and fear in everybody's eyes in the family.

It all happened when Mama Tok's husband was in his peak of his tiredness due to his long working hours and oversea trips.

It also happened when Mama Tok's second daughter was in her peak of happiness due to her coming convocation. Her fear was whether her mum would be 'there' for the occasion and share her happiness.  

While the twin boys, at the early age of adolescence were as confused as their mum!

They all need Mama Tok's support to share their tiredness and happiness BUT Mama Tok was in the peak of ' pain in the neck'!

It was so frustrating (and frightening) to experience such a feeling of 'negligence' from our love ones since our feelings at that moment were not  in 'alignment' with each other.

At such moment when Mama Tok feel 'alone' in the fear of trying to understand where the pain in the neck came from, the verses from Al Quran suddenly reminded this frightening soul that at the Day Of Judgement everybody will run away from each other even from their love ones. Everybody will avoid taking responsibility on others and their only concern are on the safety of themselves from the Hell fire.

Gradually Alhamdulillah, Mama Tok managed to be calm again after looking at the bright side of things that a wife and a mother has a great influence on the success and happiness of the family.

The wife of the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. was a great support to her husband. Even near her death, she was willing to do anything even if her bones were to be sold for the sake of her husband's mission for Islam.

This reminded Mama Tok that not only husband should be strong for the wife, but the wife should also be strong for the husband. Throughout our 28 years of marriage, there were many ups and downs. But somehow we managed to go through the difficulties. We learn to accept each other's weaknesses and support one another in our own little ways. We try to run our marriage like a team not a contest. So how could Mama Tok not love such a man who had given his best effort to make Mama Tok happy? How could Mama Tok not forgive them for their tiredness and 'negligence' since they are also human ?

So if we choose to live together, try to support each other. If we can't support each other, it's time to examine why it happens in our family or marriage. 

Is it lack of love, lack of time, lack of energy, lack of money, lack of knowledge, lack of patience, lack of sensitivity for others or just plain selfishness or arrogance ?

As in Mama Tok's case- its fear and tiredness...and it just adds on...

After a few consultations from other doctors, it showed that Mama Tok actually suffered from cervical spondylosis. From Mama Tok's personal observations, the amount of housework do effect the pain in the neck. In other words, Mama Tok has to limit myself from doing too much housework in a limited time. The load of housework has to be spread out so as not to exert pain in the neck, stress and tiredness. Unless the family understand the situation and be more helpful with the housework, it is not surprise Mama Tok will be the 'pain in the neck' for everybody !

  

The pain in the neck and the numbness are still there most of the time, but somehow the fear is slowly diminishing. 

Unless tiredness keep creeping again....   

Mama Tok Quiet Moments 'Soup For The Soul'

Find strength again by remembering Allah to 'support' us in good and in bad, in health and in sickness.

His love toward's us is unconditional love. 

He 'heard' us whatever we have to say day or night.

So 'go back' to Him if we still love and trust him.

Why?

Because our hierarchy of love and dependence should be Allah in the first place, followed by Prophet Muhammad s.a.w.

The husband comes third for a good wife while the mother comes third for a good son.What about our parents ? Just respect them..

If we love and be loved by the right 'person', we have no fear in life. 

Lesson One: Our 'unpolished' attitude

Mama Tok is back from the 7 months 'hide out'
During those 7 months, Mama Tok learnt a few good lessons in life. And what a shame if we only pass this way in our life but once, and the lessons we pick through our journey in life might be too late to do any good things or show any kindness to our love ones.

The first lesson:

In August 2013, Mama Tok 'balik kampung' and spent the Hari Raya with my parents and  then continued to stay on for another two weeks.The idea of staying on came from Mama Tok's beloved husband after seeing the aging conditions of his parents-in- law.However he had to bring our children along with him to visit his family in KL and other commitments.

During Mama Tok's brief stay cleaning up the place, Mama Tok realised what a ' mess' we leave after every Hari Raya.

All this while we managed to help only before Hari Raya .Then we would shoot off to Mama Tok 's parents- in -law in KL.
We came and then we go...and its being going on for 28 years!

Both my parents are in their 70th and 80th now ..and what do we children leave for them after Hari Raya?

-Bed sheets to be cleaned...

-Rubbish to be thrown...

-Carpets to be vacuumed..

-Pyrex and Corning wares to be cleared out....

-and worst of all......dirty disposable nappies 'left over' by our children and shreds of hair on the dirty toilet floor and shower drain. 

Well...we can just think that its not such a big problem.Just hire a cleaner to clear up the mess. After all what is the point of giving our parents their 'pocket money' every month ( what if we do not give..?) if  its not for their own comfort?

My dear brothers and sisters...the issue is NOT about money, its about our attitude towards our parents.

Yes, dirty toilet floors should be polished but more important our attitude towards our parents should be polished as well. Its a sad scene to see our aging parents picking up 'dirty' stuff used by us, by our children or by our children's children.








Mama Tok Quiet Moments 'Soup For the Soul'

Respect our parents.
Pray for them and treat them like they treat us when we were young.
'O Allah , bless them both our parents. As they have love and care for us when we were young'.(Holy Quran:Al-Isra' :24)

We will pass this way but once, therefore any good things that we can do or any kindness that we can show let us do it now.
For we will not pass this way again with our parents.

From perfection to simplicity

Being a youngest child and grown up in a very protective family, Mama Tok  used to be a shy and reserved person. Love to 'hide' from the world and felt safe in the 'comfort zone' of the family. No exposure to adventure neither to any chances of trying new experiences.

Everything seemed 'perfect' and grown up to be a perfectionist.

Mama Tok  used to love to pay attention to details and sometimes get overwhelmed by the smallest of messes in our home.

But somehow striving for perfection is stressful to live with. It stops peace and freedom into our life. It makes us frustrated with our 'mission impossible' since our expectation is always beyond our capabality.

Alhamdulillah, life after marriage and having young children  manage to change some of it. Mama Tok manage to find peace and freedom by changing attitude. Learning to let go unimportant things does help to let go unnecessary worries which bring stress to everyday routines.

Nowadays Mama Tok is not a woman who can do anything but a woman who avoids trying to do too much. Mama Tok  try to set my own standard rather than the high ones set by TV ads, magazines, friends or even families.Mama Tok try to know my own limitations and stick happily within it, no matter what others might say.As age grow older, Mama Tok become more confident and learn to say 'No' when 'Enough is enough'! Its easier to be 'true to yourself' by having good 'clean' intention (niat ikhlas kerana Allah) rather than trying to please everybody we meet in our journey through life.

It is related by Abu Maalik Al-Ash'ari (r.a) that the Messenger of Allah said: "Cleanliness is a part of Faith'' (Muslim).

Having a clean home is also part of Islam.

However trying to have a clean home but avoid trying to do too much housework need a good organisation.You have to be well organised to keep it in place. Good organisation doesn't just happen naturally.You have to learn how to do it and put in a lot of practice.

After years of marriage and motherhood, Mama Tok came to 'love' oneself more than before. It took years to acquire the discipline, control and iron will that was necessary in order to stop doing things for 'adult children'. Servicing 'adult children' keeps many mum (or wife!) exhausted throughout days and nights. Instead of enjoying 'being with them', mums (or wife) seems to be like an 'unpaid maid' (or bibik) ! When a mum starts a habit of  picking up wet towels (or dirty socks) from the floor used by 'adult children', then she is officially declared herself as a 'bibik'! It sounds crude but that's the reality of it.

Housework can be like a 'weight' on  every mums (or wife's) shoulder if little simple efforts like hanging a wet towel is left to them. No matter how hard she worked, it never seemed like enough was done. And whats worst, the repetition of doing it over and over again, day after day, night after night..can lead to alter depression to a lonely housewife !

Mama Tok don't believe you can ever expect a young child (or an 'adult child') to tidy up its own mess unless you supervise, which means that clearing up takes twice as much of your time as if you had done it yourself in the first place.But they'll never learn to do it UNLESS we teach them.
This one rule they learn  is 'if you use anything, please return it from where it belongs in the storage'.

The next rule is 'unless you change your attitude, you won't change your habits'.

The other important rule is 'unless you change your habits, your home won't stay clean'.

This next important rule is 'the people who should help run the home are the people who are in it.

Share out the work with your family.Get away from that guilty feeling that they'll helping you.Not at all.Everybody have a job to do. 

And the lists goes on...

This is not teaching them perfection but teaching them simple good manners (adab) and simple good habits in life.

Hadith about teaching childrens good manners:

1)Tirmizi reported that the Prophet (s.a.w.) said, 'A father has never given to a son a gift better than good manners (adab)'.

2)Ibnu Majah reported that the Prophet (s.a.w.) said, 'Be gracious to your children and teach them manners (adab)'.

Another hadith about teaching girls good manners:

3)Abu dawud reported that the Prophet (s.a.w.) said, 'A man who raises three girls and teaches them good manners, and marries them (to righteous men) and is good to them-for him is paradise'.

Habits are learned  patterns of behavior  which, as a result of constant repetition.They are not  instinct, which are inborn naturally. Most habits are learned as the result of something pleasant following from what was originally random behavior. For example, a toddler (like our first 2 year old grandson) will feel excited if he gets a big hug ( as a reward for success) from his mum after clearing his toys. If his 'helping' succeeds in bringing his mum to hug him, it will then become a powerful habit.

Habits can also be learned by imitation. Children unfortunately  learn many bad habits from parents. And sadly enough when they grown up and married, these bad habits  are then pass down to their children.

However some degree of strictness and consistency is necessary for a habit to become established. For example if  parents try to teach a child not to waste food by praising him when he eats all his meal at home, but let him leave food on weekly visits to his grandparents, and later reward him with a hug for being quiet there, he will go on leaving food.

A question  may arise, what is the difference between a habit and a compulsion (was-was) ?

A habit is a pattern of behavior that is used whenever occasion demands, but not otherwise.A compulsion (was-was) is a pattern of behavior that has been followed even though there is no real need for it. For example, it is a good habit to lock up your house at night, but it becomes a compulsion if you have to check every door and window three times before you go to bed.

Mama Tok Quiet Moments 'Soup For The Soul'  

It is far easier to establish a habit than to change one that is already established.The best way to prevent bad habits is to teach good ones before the others are acquired.

However at the end of the day, how parents behave towards their children is of more importance in forming habits than any other influence.You teach children best by your example.

May Allah and our children forgive us for missing and not teaching them some of the good habits and manners due to our ignorance..

Everything is not ours

One early morning, Mama Tok decided to wash the 'Toto' bedding  used for sleeping or 'place for being lazy'.This bedding had been a favourite place for Mama Tok and other members of the family including our newly born grandchild since its located in the airy living room. 
Somehow the task of washing was not as easy  as Mama Tok thought since our washing machine was not big enough to hold the load. Mama Tok could easily sent it to the laundry shop but somehow instinct felt that they would spin it for hours and end up having holes on the soft fabric..or maybe Mama Tok was just plain stingy that morning to spend on laundry shop!
      

Finally MamaTok decided to go through the task by just 'sprinkling' it with water and hang it in the garden in the bright sunshine
morning of June.

By noon, it was dry and fresh....

Mama Tok decided to leave it longer in the bright sunshine hoping it would become dryer and fresher....

But somehow our plan is not the same as Allah's plan.






Suddenly without warning from the blue skies, it rain.....pouring heavily and staining the bedding with patches of dust from the sky.
Mama Tok twin boys tried their best to save the fluffy bedding but it was just too late.By the time they carried it indoor, it was wet and soggy. 

By night time, Mama Tok learnt a great lesson from the holy Quran that  we cannot have everything in life. Allah will continue to test us with major or minor trials (the wet bedding!) that will test our patience.
'Or is the human being to have whatever he desires ?    

-Verses from Holy Quran (An-Najm:24 ).
The answer is definately a big -NO.

Why?
Because everything we 'have' are not ours. Our family, our homes, our bank accounts, our health ,our energy, our ideas are not ours. 
Allah lend it to us for a period of time to test how we 'manage' it and to see who is grateful among us by sharing what we have with others.

The fresh fluffy bedding is Mama Tok's small effort to share with the love ones.
May Allah accepts this small effort as what Allah promises in Holy Quran:
'And that the human being attains only what he strives for.
And that his efforts will be witnessed.

Then he will be rewarded for it the fullest reward.'

-Verses from Holy Quran (An Najm:39-41)

Mama Tok Quiet Moments 'Soup For The Soul'

Allah will always look at our efforts no matter how the results are.

Our efforts is to share what we have with others.

Our love, our homes, our wealth is for sharing.

So be grateful by sharing with others.

And be grateful that we are among who can share...

The Cycle of Love

April 8th 2013-Mama Tok was blessed with a second grandchild. Its a baby girl.

In 1986, we were blessed with our first child-also a baby girl.
It was a cold, windy winter time in December, in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne in UK. Mama Tok had a rough time adapting with sleepless nights with the baby. The 'pantang time @ confinement' was supposed to be a month of warmth and comfort but due to the poor heating system of our rented house, Mama Tok spent the 'pantang time' shivering most of the time near the gas fire in our small bedroom. 
It was not a good experience for every new mum who had just go through the ordeal of birth for the first time. But with the bless from Allah, the good news was we had Mama Tok's parents coming from Malaysia for two weeks to make life easier for us. So for that time being, Mama Tok was treated with 'bertungku, berbengkung, makan jamu - Kelantanis Style' and what a luxury....! 

In a cold winter time, a hot 'batu tungku @ a small heated oval shaped stone' which we picked near a coastline did help so much to keep a postnatal mum's veins warm and easy. Somehow that 2 weeks luxury treatments did not manage to recover the 'damage' to the body 100%, and Mama Tok 's parents had to go back to Malaysia since they had other commitments.

Life after birth can be so demanding and exausted without our mums support because only mothers knew the pain of birth suffered by their daughters.

So mums out there..., be ready to work 'overtime' if our daughters are ready for labour. Do ask permission from our beloved husbands so that they understand why we give more attention and  spend more time with our daughters during this time.

Cut down on housework as much as you can, leaving any job that don't need immediate attention. Try not to do too much. A bit of dust won't matter for a while, and not everything you wash has to be ironed. Better still, share the housework with your husband. If you have visitors coming, don't feel you have to have everything clean and tidy. The most important thing at times like this is to focus on the health of the new mum and the newly born baby.

Mama Tok Quiet Moment's 'Soup For The Soul'

Our mum gave birth to us and take care of us when we were babies. When we gave birth to our babies, our mum STILL take care of us.

So give our love to our mum while they are still alive, but don't forget our dad.

A man came to the Prophet and said, ‘O Messenger of God! Who among the people is the most worthy of my good companionship? The Prophet said: Your mother. 
The man said, ‘Then who?' 
The Prophet said: Then your mother.
 The man further asked, ‘Then who?' 
The Prophet said: Then your mother. 
The man asked again, ‘Then who?' 
The Prophet said: Then your father.

(Hadith recorded by Bukhari and Muslim)

Be a happy 'professional' housewife

This month of March has been a very busy and full of emotional moments for Mama Tok. At the age of ...++ dealing with responsibilities of bringing up a family can be a very hectic job. You need strong guts and good planning to commit without boredom, ..and true passion to avoid feeling 'trapped'  inside your own home.

Ask any 'Professional Housewives' (or career mums), and they will admit that there's no any other job like it. It's full of mix feelings of happiness, sadness, stress, guilt and you name it!

Our life can get crowded with so many commitments-the husband, the children, the home, the career, the financial problems and of course the sheer repetitive routine of our daily life. It is hard work and many  admit to the moments of frustration and to the problems which seem for a while insoluble. Days or night when they feel not just tired but exhausted physically and mentally.

But why is that so many women keep 'applying for the job' where you are being  'overwork but underpaid'?

Mama Tok has no right to answer for other lovely ladies out there, but as for Mama Tok, being a housewife brings self- achievements and lasting satisfactions. 
It brings special rewards waiting and watching children grow. Their first smile, their first teeth or their first step.. bring a suprising pleasure.

As they grow older, watching them to school and graduate at higher instituition gives a feeling of achievement that goes beyond words.
Watching them getting married and experiencing being a grandmother makes Mama Tok cry of joy. 

Mama Tok Quiet Moments 'Soup For The Soul'

Along the way which feels like a full-scale assault course, the responsibilities seem to be no ending. But somehow.... the frustration passes by and the problems do sort themselves out.

If Allah can take care of us when we were in our mum's womb, He can easily take care of us when we were toddlers. 
If Allah can easily helps us to find our way out to this harsh world, He will also easily helps us to find our way out to our problems in our adult world.
If Allah helped us yesterday, He will endlessly help us today and tomorrow.
Just believe in Allah and He will always be there for you and me...

Its only words.. an everlasting words.

In the 1970th, Mama Tok was just a young innocent teenager. Like others, love to listen to beautiful songs and melodies. One of the famous and beautiful song at that time was 'Words', sung by the  Bee Gees. The Bee Gees were 3 brothers-Barry, Robin and Maurice Gibbs. They wrote the song 'Words' after getting in a few arguments and realizing the power of words- how words can make you happy or sad. Robin Gibbs said, "'Words' reflects a mood. It was written after an argument. The argument were about absolutely nothing. They were just words! This is what the song is all about. Words can make you happy or words can make you sad".

Again ' Life is short'. It was only 40 years ago when Mama Tok were young and innocent. Today Mama Tok started to grow older and maybe (hopefully..) wiser. The song by Bee Gees then became  another passing memories through the short journey in life.

More than 14 century ago, the Messenger of Allah had already mentioned  about the importance of words in our daily life.

On the Authority of Abu Hurairah. the Messenger of Allah said:

     

Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should speak good things or keep silent. Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should be courteous and generous to his neighbour. Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should be courtous and generous to his [traveling] visitor.

[Recorded by Sahih Bukhari and Muslim]

One of the Prophet's companion Umar r.a, once said, 
"The one who speaks a lot commits a lot of mistakes. The one who makes  lots of mistakes commits lots of sins. The one who commits lots of sins will have the Hell-fire as the first place for him.'

After going through many experiences  in life, Mama Tok came to realize that the quality of our life depend so much on our communication skills with others. Other people 's feeling counts since we are interacting with others most of the time. Any words or actions that give temporary satisfaction or happiness, but hurt others is considered unwise. 'Hikmah' or wisdom is knowing what is right and then making the right judgement when it comes to taking actions. So does in saying words.

 Mama Tok Quiet Moments ' Soup For The Soul' 

We can  make the life of others much more happier than it was before we  touched it- by saying  good words or keep silent.

May Allah bless us all.

Life is short

It seems like yesterday when we were young and beautiful. It seems like yesterday when we were free and easy. Suddenly we realised wrinkles and grey hairs start peeking through. There seems no ending for responsibilities and responsibilities and responsibilities........ MasyaAllah... time flies but we seems to forget that life is short.

Life can be a comfort when we love and respect each other. Life can be a sweet memory when our children  grows up and leave their nest, leaving us parents feeling satisfied for our humble effort.

But sometimes life does not turn out to be what we expected.We experience events which make our life uncomfortable and uneasy. But believe me, Allah knows best, what is best for us.

'It is possible that you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knows and you know not.'
(Al Baqarah:216).

Mama Tok Quiet Moments 'Soup For The Soul'

Allah send our family to us, to teach us patience. We should be grateful because patience makes our sins fall like falling leaves... just like autumn seasons which Mama Tok love most and dream to have through my kitchen window in heaven. Ameen.